Sometimes, things that my parents say or believe in get me so heated. Sometimes, I want to scream at them and tell them that they are wrong. But then, I get this flash in my head where all I can think about is how much they have done for me. I mean really have done for me. I can't think of many kids in my town who had to go without, including myself. My parents have always provided me with everything I could ever ask for. As a child, I always had the toys and the books I wanted. From the very start I had a computer, a TV, my own phone... basically a ton of things that no child really needs... but my parents always made sure I had it. My mom and I used to joke about how many times she had redecorated my room to my liking... topping out somewhere around 8 different times. My dad has always provided me with plenty of money, clothes, and even bought me two of the four cars that I've had. My parents have never expected me to pay them back, and although they joke about it, I don't think I could ever give them back what I owe them. You see, no matter how angry or distant I am, no matter how awkward I act, or how much minimal time I spend actually being with them... they still treat me like their little princess.
As a teenager, I think I put my mom through more stress than any other girl I know. We were constantly fighting, and when I look back now I can't understand why. My mother knows my attitude... hell, I got it from her! My judgmental ways, my second glances... these are all attributes that I have acquired from being her daughter. I know how much it bothers her when I tell her that, how much she wants to smack me for being hypocritical and judgmental myself. But what she doesn't know is how much I admire her as a person. This woman has worked as long as I can remember. She has provided me with everything I have as a woman. She raised me to have manners, to show my emotions and to respect my elders. She raised me to be honest with myself. She has raised me to be supportive and stand on the ground with both my feet no matter what the circumstances, and she has more pride than any woman I know. I know that any accomplishments that my sister and I achieve will be my mom's proudest moments. My mom works all the time and is constantly battling with herself about her body and her health and it makes me really sad to see her feel so helpless. She's one of the brightest and beautiful women I know. I can't see those things my mom sees in herself. When I look at her, I am just proud to call her my mom. I'm proud of her for being a strong Christian woman, I'm proud of her for striving to be the best she can be, and I am really frickin proud of her for going to school... and I don't tell her that enough. She does everything for me, and she makes me feel better when I am upset and there is no one that I know that is stronger than my mom.
I used to be able to spend only two weekends a month with my Dad because of custody arrangements. When I was in High School, my Dad moved right down the street from me. I could see him anytime I wanted but I still rarely saw him. I regret that often. Especially now that I am older and can have a normal relationship with my parents. My dad lives about 35 minutes from me and I only wish now that he lived in the same place he moved to when I was in High School. I like visiting with my Dad, it's just a pain in the butt to have your parents live so far away from each other. As my parents continue to get older, I continuously get more worried about how much time and credit I haven't given them. My Dad has never really said the word "no" to the things I really needed. He's helped me with almost every big step I have taken in my life. He paid for me to get my GED, he's bought me cars, he's helped me move in and out of places I have lived, he's clothed me and fed me my entire life, and I definitely owe him a lot more than I am able to give him. He's really simple, and he's really smart. Sometimes he can be complex and I don't understand him, and then I remember that those qualities I have also received from him. My demeanor changes as crowds change, I am a good speaker and I know how to listen because of my dad. I don't really get to tell him how proud I am of him being in the military for so long. But if I could go back in time... I would be there at his graduation with banners and a megaphone telling him that he really is the best! I'm really really thankful for him because he has taught me to be tough, and that being on your own is okay.
These are the people who created me. These are the people who motivated me. These are the people who want me to succeed.
These are the people I have let down, I have hurt, and I have made feel unappreciated.
But I appreciate these guys more than they'll ever know and more then I can ever thank them for.
I wish I could thank my parents everyday. I wish I could give them everything they have given me one hundred times over. I wish I could give my mom this beautiful home where she could entertain and decorate and not have to work or stress and do all the things she loves to do. I wish I could give her the perfect body and the confidence in herself that she has given me.
I wish I could buy my dad a nice house with a big yard, somewhere warm and sunny where he could just relax and enjoy the view. I wish I could take back all the times I didn't go over to have dinner with him, or just hangout with him and watch movies.
I want to apologize to them, for not graduating. I want to say i'm sorry for not going on to college. For taking so much from them and so much of what they've had. I want to tell them that the only reason I want to succeed in life is to give them what they deserve. If I didn't have them, I would be fine with traveling the world with a backpack and living for myself... but I owe them and no matter what they say, I know that they deserve the best I can give them.
I love you Mom & Dad.
I'll make it all up to you, someday.
I'll make it all up to you, someday.