Detailed.

I’ve been staying in the last few days and then going out at night… today I managed to stay 100% sober. Being alone and thinking about the same things multiple times with multiple scenarios really puts things into perspective. It’s made me realize how foolish I have been acting. How cruel and unfair I’ve been to people lately. I’ve been selfish and I kept saying I would be better every time I woke up to reality, but I keep recreating the same problems when I’ve been drinking or doing other things. I’m taking out repetitive anger on the same people constantly. My anger is all built up from one person and I shouldn’t be letting it constantly mess with my head. I have this idea that the people who say they care about me are plotting against me or trying to mess with me, and that’s clearly not how everyone is. It’s not anyone else’s fault, what happened to me in my relationship. Not everyone is the same. It’s really unusual for me to drink in the first place because I’m really good at having self control and I quit drinking for a couple years before I turned twenty one. Now that I can go out, I love it… it’s an outlet for me but it’s not a positive way to cope with frustration. Surrounding myself by people is only a distraction.

I feel so awful knowing there are a few people who were trying to be there for me, and couldn’t have been any more sincere and I continuously lashed out at them when I was intoxicated. So many people whom I owe apologies to, but how do you continuously apologize to someone when they’ve heard it before from you, over and over, again and again? They will never forgive me again; I have used up my chances. If ever I feel guilty or bad about something I tend to push people away so that they feel confused. I recently found out that I was messed with in my last relationship, I found out things that I didn’t want to know or hear, and even though I’m not in “love” anymore, I still can’t cope with the fact that the people you think you know so well, can lie to you the ways that they do. I’ve only “hooked up” with four women in my entire life, three of which I were dating… so the fact that someone I was with for over two years could hook up with people like it’s just a thing to do, really baffles my mind. It takes so much courage for me to work up to even kiss someone, but to sleep with someone and tell someone you love them, too… that’s completely out of pocket for whom I thought she was.

I feel scarred from a relationship, and I feel ridiculous for letting myself feel that way. I need to figure out so many things, and I feel like I don’t want to be with anyone for such a long time, because I don’t know who will actually be worth it and who won’t. But I do know that I really need to wait, and wait a while. Like I said in my last post, I’m not going to continue to work for something that won’t work for me. I want someone confident enough to know that they are the right match for me, that WE are a right fit for each other. I don’t want to continue trying to make things work, because I don’t think you should have to chase anyone, the right people will always come to you. But beyond that, I don’t think I should be feeling like I need anyone, which is why I have to wait. My time will come.... right?..

The new

Being single feels so surreal to me because I haven't been in so long. I'm lucky that it happened right around the time that I turned 21, otherwise I would have gone crazy. I can't remember what it feels like to not go to the bar, or to not be 21 and I have only been for 3 weeks. Times flying by and I am loving this social bar hopping life. You meet the greatest people, I love it so much.

Another thing i've been obsessing over is right and wrong. As in... who is right for me and who is wrong for me.... Or if it even matters? Obviously it's not like I need to be with anyone, I just got out of a long, complicated relationship. I just feel as if I'm scared to be alone now. So I'm not going to risk it this time. Before I do anything, I am going to ask questions, i'm going to play the "hard to get" role as long as I can, I am not going to give in to temptation. I am staying away from dates and romance. I am doing weird things like asking people what their ambitions are or what their zodiac signs are, anything that makes us okay together will be what I look for in the next person I dedicate my time and my life to. I am not going to jump into anything because I can,  I am going to go into something that I want to be in.

I am going to find someone who wants to be the best person they can be, not just for me, but for themselves. That's what I need, that's what I want. I'm not saying cockiness, I'm saying confidence that they know they are an amazing person, and that I will work my hardest to be that same type of person for them.

"Sometimes you wish people would just see themselves the way that you do."

The perfect playlist for my feelings.

Lately anyone who has been around me has heard me rant on about certain things, and people.. this playlist fits so perfectly into how i'm feeling. I'm not sad, i'm not happy. Yet.

Exhaustion

Goodness gracious, could I be anymore tired right now? First of all, I had a break up.. where I had to move all of my stuff out of our house and move it into storage, and move into my parents. Then I had to work the next day, and had a bacholorette party that night. Had to get up the next day and finish moving then worked for two days straight, then I had to go shopping for my mom's birthday. Worked again, then had my birthday dinner that night. The following day I had to go to the DOL for two hours to get my ID, the mall to get my wedding shoes and then had to go to dinner with my mom for our birthday, and directly after that went out for my birthday with my friends. Got home at 2am and then stayed in bed with a tummy ache for that entire day, but had to be in Bonney lake by 6pm that night to go to my brothers rehearsal dinner and stayed out late with the bride to find last minute wedding things. Woke up the next morning and had to rush to get my make up and hair done... then speed back to Bonney lake (which is like 45 minutes from my house) to head up to North bend (another hour away) for the wedding... stayed out until 2am because I had to be a designated driver for another part of the bridal party. The next day which was a Sunday, I had to go and sign the lease to my new apartment and work. Then for three days I was working and moving and PACKING because I had to go to Vegas that Thursday with my friend. We needed to shop the day before and I wasn't unpacked at my apartment yet, so it was a mess. Vegas was so relaxing, finally... but then I got home and immediately had to be back at work and get everything else moved into the apartment! I'm still not unpacked and I still have so much to do, I haven't even gone grocery shopping. AHHHHH! So much, so little time. Just thought I would rant and share. Thanks guys :)

Las vegas through INSTAGRAM :)

Obviously Vegas was a fricken blast!