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Tuesday, October 23, 2012


I’ve been staying in the last few days and then going out at night… today I managed to stay 100% sober. Being alone and thinking about the same things multiple times with multiple scenarios really puts things into perspective. It’s made me realize how foolish I have been acting. How cruel and unfair I’ve been to people lately. I’ve been selfish and I kept saying I would be better every time I woke up to reality, but I keep recreating the same problems when I’ve been drinking or doing other things. I’m taking out repetitive anger on the same people constantly. My anger is all built up from one person and I shouldn’t be letting it constantly mess with my head. I have this idea that the people who say they care about me are plotting against me or trying to mess with me, and that’s clearly not how everyone is. It’s not anyone else’s fault, what happened to me in my relationship. Not everyone is the same. It’s really unusual for me to drink in the first place because I’m really good at having self control and I quit drinking for a couple years before I turned twenty one. Now that I can go out, I love it… it’s an outlet for me but it’s not a positive way to cope with frustration. Surrounding myself by people is only a distraction.

I feel so awful knowing there are a few people who were trying to be there for me, and couldn’t have been any more sincere and I continuously lashed out at them when I was intoxicated. So many people whom I owe apologies to, but how do you continuously apologize to someone when they’ve heard it before from you, over and over, again and again? They will never forgive me again; I have used up my chances. If ever I feel guilty or bad about something I tend to push people away so that they feel confused. I recently found out that I was messed with in my last relationship, I found out things that I didn’t want to know or hear, and even though I’m not in “love” anymore, I still can’t cope with the fact that the people you think you know so well, can lie to you the ways that they do. I’ve only “hooked up” with four women in my entire life, three of which I were dating… so the fact that someone I was with for over two years could hook up with people like it’s just a thing to do, really baffles my mind. It takes so much courage for me to work up to even kiss someone, but to sleep with someone and tell someone you love them, too… that’s completely out of pocket for whom I thought she was.

I feel scarred from a relationship, and I feel ridiculous for letting myself feel that way. I need to figure out so many things, and I feel like I don’t want to be with anyone for such a long time, because I don’t know who will actually be worth it and who won’t. But I do know that I really need to wait, and wait a while. Like I said in my last post, I’m not going to continue to work for something that won’t work for me. I want someone confident enough to know that they are the right match for me, that WE are a right fit for each other. I don’t want to continue trying to make things work, because I don’t think you should have to chase anyone, the right people will always come to you. But beyond that, I don’t think I should be feeling like I need anyone, which is why I have to wait. My time will come.... right?..
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