When I was a sophomore in high school, I started hanging out with people who wanted to do things that were more exciting to me, then playing sports or "hanging out". I liked surrounding myself around the "weak" or the "rebellious". That's not me being cocky, it's literally who I always surrounded myself with.
I started hanging out with these girls who were friends with a lesbian, and she was around all of the time. She really liked to flirt. Naturally, anyone who likes attention would have been flattered and I was. Shortly after being around this girl all of time, another lesbian started to join the group and it was like a constant battle of attention from the "straight girls". But for me, it was more then flattery. I really liked this, I liked feeling like this person could potentially be my funny, girl pal, best friend type of a relationship. Being the "boy crazy" pre teen that I had been before, didn't stop me from pursuing any type of relationship. It happened. Within weeks, I was what was considered a "lesbian" and I was dating girls. Anyone around me at the time would have called it a phase, because everyone thought it was.
I dated this girl for months, and those months soon felt like years. I wasn't unhappy, but because she was completely unfaithful 90% of the time, I wasn't happy either. There was no trust, no commitment and the word "I love you" was thrown around like a baseball. What did "I love you" even mean? It was just, never real. I thought it was so real at the time but looking back, I hated myself when I was with her. I hated who I was, who she was, who we were around. The only thing I don't regret, was that she brought me out of the "closet". She pulled me out of where I had been hiding for so long.
To make matters more intense and much worse for myself, I decided to go after another girl. A girl who knew and was friends with my girlfriend prior. This relationship was mostly built off of the fact that someone else liked me, and I didn't only have to be with one girl. This wasn't a phase, this wasn't just me falling for the trap of liking attention or wanting to be needed. I really did, I liked girls. This girl had me hooked from the minute she became interested and it didn't matter if I was interested back.
This relationship started off fine, she was as sweet as they get and she really liked to please me with money. She bought me anything and everything I wanted, and I really never asked for any of it. Which is where I should have seen from the beginning, the girl and I just weren't meant to be. But, people buying you things, people telling you how great you are... it's a turn on for anyone. It's a great thing to be "needed" but an even better thing to be wanted. That relationship only lasted a little while, because we became too comfortable as girls, and when you are "friends" and "girlfriends" you aren't so much turned on by the other anymore. I wasn't. I went a long time being unfaithful between her and my ex, for a long time. I couldn't choose. I didn't know who I wanted, or what I needed. I knew that one had something, that the other didn't have. I thought I loved them both, but I really just wanted to escape from feeling like I needed either of them.
Unfortunately for me, when you are dating girls and you are surrounded by friends... everyone becomes a big group of best friends, and eventually... someone is going to have to pick sides when all is said and done. These girls were sweet talkers and one knew how to manipulate much better then I did, and hey.. I didn't have money to throw around or things to give anyone. When you're in high school, stuff is stuff and no one really matters. Most of the girls which I called my "best friends" were now caught between us three, but in the end chose them.
The summer after all this drama was happening and I still felt trapped between choosing two girls who I wanted because they were wanting me... I found someone else. Except this time she was much older than me, and she wasn't as forward as the other girls I had met before. She was just... normal, and she liked normal things yet she liked unique things. She liked to talk about trees and animals. She liked to talk about music and things she felt inside of her soul. It was all really intense and really deep for my seventeen year old mind to comprehend, she was like an angel sent to me. She was someone who really made me look at the years before and think that they may have been a mistake. This feeling was so much different then the others I had with other girls I dated. This felt like my chest was being pulled out, and my heart was being touched. That is entirely to corny to say, but it was 100% true. I was falling hard for her, and I knew it too.
But like it always has been with me, I like to play games. So I left, and I went back to the battle between the other girls. I went back to pain and suffering, I went back to fighting, and a huge lack of intimacy. All because I was fearful of losing attention from my other friends, and from the girls who liked me first. I walked away from my miracle because of nothing. It's safe to say that I regretted that decision for a full year, until I was finally able to wake up one morning and look at myself and my decisions. It was because I felt cold and I constantly felt like I was missing something that I was finally able to break a bond which was built on lies and selfishness. I didn't need it and I certainly didn't want it anymore. I wanted what I had, I wanted the girl from the summer. I wanted her to reach back out for me and take me back, because she was everything that I felt like I had been missing. Why it took me a year I don't know but to this day, it still angers me inside.
I know that what has been written so far, seems so selfish and so childish... but I was a selfish child. I was young. I failed high school and I had to immediately work full time and I realized quick that I needed to grow up. I realized that life can really suck and you really don't need people who bring you further and further down. I wish I could tell you that now, I wish I could tell you why it took me so long to figure it out, I wish I could have been older and wiser so that I would learn it faster and quicker. I wish I had grown up faster. I'm sorry I didn't.
In November of 2010, I was given one more shot with my summer girl. She took me back in with open arms because to her, I had been her first love all along. I have never been an honest person with anyone, and especially not myself. I knew immediately when I started dating her, and I could tell her the truth that I really did love her. I could tell her everything, and I could be as passionate as I wanted because we wanted this together. Everything we wanted, was mutual and we were completely on pace. I trusted her and she trusted me.
In one day, just one day... our trust with each other was shattered. It took one shake up in our relationship for both of us to put up walls. And we put walls up a mile high on every side. From here on out, we were destined to fail. Never in my life have I wanted to trust someone more, never have I wanted to feel more sorry. I just couldn't do it. We stayed together, we tried to do it together because we were in love. And in time, things would get better and they would get worse, and that would repeat for months. I moved in with her in February of 2011, and things were so great when they weren't bad that the bad didn't really matter. But, as it does.. the fighting just got worse, and the trust just got smaller and smaller until there was none left. We were secretly hating and loving each other at the same time.
It's so hard to look at someone and tell them you love them when you don't know who they really are, when you don't know what they are doing when they are alone. Even if you know you do. I'm not being paranoid, I'm just being real. Realistically, if you can't trust someone, then you can't trust that they actually love you. I am also not the type of person to tell someone they are beautiful or special because I have always felt like I am the feminine one in a relationship, and it should be said to me. I have never thought that I needed to say it to anyone else. Maybe I should have said it more, or maybe I should have said it at all. Something tore our relationship to shreds, and now it's over. I'm hurt and i'm furious and I can't decide who I want to blame. I can't take back those crappy holidays, or bad memories together, I can't change what's been done. I can be selfish and I can be unfair. When i'm angry, i'm unkind and I dig deep to make it hurt. I don't know why I do that. I don't know why I like to pick at people, no one should ever feel bad. No one should ever feel abandoned.
I have been openly "gay" for six years, I came out to my parents five years ago, I have had three lesbian relationships, and I have had one person whom I believe I loved.
It is from that, that I think this is what I know -
To me, in my experience I believe love is something that you can't describe because there is no definition. The only thing I know, is that it's something you feel. It's a feeling you can't bare to lose or give up on. Love is simple communication, it's the key to good health. It's a bond. It's learning something new about that person everyday, yet knowing them all along. It's a way of caring, and needing something. It's wanting to be your best self just for them. It's wanting to lay out everything on the line for that one person. It's picturing yourself being perfectly content with them forever, it's being unafraid to leave this earth because you met them, and knew them. It's being unable to function properly when they are hurting or sick, it's never wanting to disappoint them. It's knowing that you will see there face again, and that it will then make everything okay. It's planning a future. It's your existence, it's part of your soul. It is peaceful. It is willing. It only ever continues to grow and build. It's not a rush, or a race or a competition. Love can be hateful and powerful, love can be shocking and painful. Love can destroy everything you have. Love can be a distant memory within moments. Love is a memory.
Just remember to turn off the lights at night, and remember to lock the door, you always forget. Set your keys in one spot, because one day you are going to lose them for good. Check for mail, it comes daily. It's okay to be emotional with your pets, they do love you. There is no such thing as loving something too much. Keep on climbing, you'll only get better. Put your wallet in a safe place, you panic when it's not near. No, you don't have bad luck. You will one day be the worlds best nurse, because you know how to care. You'll eventually learn to sail, don't quit. Just because the rhythm of kayaking doesn't come easy, doesn't mean you suck at it. It's okay to take others clothes out of the washing machine and throw them on the floor, one day they'll figure out how to do it themselves. Tell people when you're busy, so they can work with your schedule. It's okay to be busy. When someone passes away, it's not your fault. It was never your fault. Always check the kitchen drawer when you lose your name badge, it's always in there. When people are watching you eat, don't get nervous. Occasionally put on dresses, you always look great in dresses. You don't always need a best friend, you're capable of being independent. Don't rush to grow up, you have so much time. Find someone who will always stroke your hair back when you're tired. It's okay to fall asleep during movies. Be silly, make people laugh because your jokes are always funny. Just because your hair doesn't want to look perfect that day, doesn't mean you aren't beautiful. You'll always be beautiful. ....... Figure out who you are, because someone may fall in love with you someday.
Right now, i'm angry and i'm hurting. My eyes feel heavy and i'm learning that nothing stays the same, every thing will change. We are all human, we all longed to be loved. One day we should all be loved. I want to have a successful career in business, and I want to travel with someone who wants to see the world with me. I want to make a mutual decision to get married, I want to be able to provide my fiance with the same pleasures as they provide me. I want a house, with pets and luxuries that people dream of, and eventually want to have children. I want this life that i'm living to be worth every step i've taken until the day that I leave the earth. I'm in no rush to make these things happen for myself, I don't believe I have a time frame.
And even if to them this was all a lie, and I was never loved back...I also just want someone to know that I have loved them with everything inside of me, as much as I possibly could have loved anyone, and right now I believe that if I was gone tomorrow, i'd leave happily knowing that I was sucessful.